I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
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I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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