Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
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Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
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My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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