I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
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She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
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I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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