Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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