it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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