the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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