Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
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Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
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It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize