im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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