just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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