put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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