I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
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At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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