I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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