when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
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It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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