I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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