I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
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All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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