A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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