Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
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That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
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I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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