Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
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Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
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He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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