My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
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So squirting runs in the family.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
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My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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