you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
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If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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