I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
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If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
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As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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