he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
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Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Come on in and take your pants off
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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