youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
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I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
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I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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