Your tits are I can't wait for
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
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Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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