Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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