Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
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After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
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Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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