I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize