My first STD was from a foam party
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
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well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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