You smell like a Billy Joel song
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
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How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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