Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
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Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
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Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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