after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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