before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize