I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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