you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
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just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
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You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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