Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
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Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
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He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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