Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
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There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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