Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
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fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
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Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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