She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize