good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize