life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
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we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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