I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
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Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
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This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize