Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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