You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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