Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize