This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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