Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize