I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
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The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
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Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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