I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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