WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
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if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
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He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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