So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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